[JOKECOLLECTION]
Animal^All Ages^409^F^A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.@#@@#@So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers.@#@@#@Its easy, replies the ranger. Theyre full of small bells.@#@
Animal^All Ages^482^F^A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!” The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.@#@Later, they order an other round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, “Yeah, the service stinks!”@#@Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.”
Animal^All Ages^374^F^A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Animal^All Ages^455^F^A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…@#@@#@“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.@#@“The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor.@#@“No, it doesn’t.”@#@“Yes, it does. It says, ‘Do not feed. $10 fine.'”
Animal^All Ages^587^F^Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?@#@@#@Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Animal^All Ages^441^F^Q: When do cows go to sleep?@#@@#@A: When it’s pasture bedtime. 
Animal^All Ages^1^F^What are shark’s two most favorite words?@#@Man overboard!
Animal^All Ages^588^F^What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?@#@@#@“Put it on my bill.”
Animal^All Ages^2^F^What do you call a bear with no teeth?@#@A gummy bear.
Animal^All Ages^3^F^Where do fish sleep?@#@In the riverbed.
Animal^All Ages^4^F^Where does the sheep get his hair cut?@#@The baa baa shop!
Animal^All Ages^5^F^Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?@#@Because he was always spotted.
Blonde^All Ages^6^F^3 women were on a island, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They find a magic lamp which a genie pops out of. He grants them all one wish. The red head wishes that a boat would come and get her. Soon after a boat appears and she is saved. The brunette wishes that a plane will come to get her. Soon after a plane appears and she is saved. The blonde starts to get bored and says I wish my friends were here!@#@
Blonde^All Ages^7^T^A Guy urgently needed a few days off work,@#@But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave.@#@he thought that maybe if he acted Crazy@#@Then he would tell him to take a few days off.@#@So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling &@#@Made funny noises.@#@His co-worker (whos blonde)! asked him what he was doing.@#@He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb,@#@So, that the Boss might think he was Crazy & give him a few days off.@#@A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,@#@What are you doing?@#@He told him he was a light bulb.@#@He said, You are clearly stressed out.@#@Go home & recuperate for a couple of days.@#@He jumped down & walked out of the office...@#@When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him,@#@The Boss asked her@#@...And where do you think youre going?!@#@She said,@#@Im going home too, I cant work in the dark!!@#@
Blonde^All Ages^8^F^A blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in  a skydiving accident.  The blond starts sobbing uncontrollably. Confused, her husband says, it is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved. After a few moments, the blond, still crying , asks, How many is a Brazilian?@#@
Blonde^All Ages^9^F^A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says, "11:45." The blonde says, "Really? Thats so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer."
Blonde^All Ages^10^F^A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
Blonde^All Ages^11^T^A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, "Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?" She replied, "The can said for best results apply 2 coats."
Blonde^All Ages^12^F^A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read "1 Hour Only," but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.
Blonde^All Ages^13^T^A blonde fell and hurt herself at work. The doctor said she was and would be fine, but needed a little time to heal. The doctor suggested an easier job for a week or so. She brought the doctors note to her boss and he suggested light duty for the week. The blonde began to cry. Her boss asked why she was crying. She said, "I dont know how to change lights!"
Blonde^All Ages^14^F^A blonde girl was at the store, and just as she was heading for her car, someone stole it. The policeman asked, did you see the guy that did it? She said No, but I got the license plate.
Blonde^All Ages^15^F^A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time@#@She drinks a coffee her eye hurts. The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed. Ouch, that hurts! The doctor said, I know your problem. The blonde asked, is it bad, doctor? The doctor replied, No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee.
Blonde^All Ages^16^F^A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "Im washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why dont you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.
Blonde^All Ages^17^F^A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dads advice: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it." Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the womans car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, "Well Im done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"
Blonde^All Ages^18^F^A blonde walks into an electronics store to buy a television. She finds a salesman and tells him, “I want to buy this television," as she points. The man tells her, “Sorry Miss, we don’t sell televisions to blondes." The girl walks out and walks back inside five minutes later with a brunette wig. She finds another salesman and tells him, “Sir, I want to buy this television,” as she points. The man tells her, “Sorry Miss, but we don’t sell televisions to blondes." She leaves and comes back once again, but this time with a red wig on. She finds yet another salesman and tells him, “Sir, I would like to buy this television,” as she points. The man also tells her, “Sorry Miss, we don’t sell televisions to blondes." Now, the girl is really mad and asks the man, “How the hell do you know that I’m a blonde?!” The man points and replies, “Miss, this is not a television, it’s a microwave."
Blonde^All Ages^19^T^A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving in a truck. The brunette and redhead are in the cab and the blonde is in the back. They accidentally drive off a bridge into water. The brunette and redhead get out and swim to the surface and wait for the blonde. After a few minutes the blonde surfaces and the other two ask, "What took so long?" The blonde replies, "I couldnt get the tailgate down."
Blonde^All Ages^20^F^A cop saw a young blonde woman down on here knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? He asked. Replied the woman, I dropped my diamond ring and Im looking for it. Asked the cop did you drop it right here? No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the lights better here.@#@
Blonde^All Ages^21^F^A man is sitting in a cafe. A blonde waitress approaches and asks for his order. Id like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream, he says. The blonde waitress replies, Im sorry, sir, but were out of cream. How about with no milk?@#@
Blonde^All Ages^392^T^A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”@#@@#@Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.@#@@#@“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Blonde^All Ages^22^F^Blonde: "What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?" @#@Redhead: "Y." @#@Blonde: "Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!"
Blonde^All Ages^23^F^Blonde: Today must be Sunday. @#@Brunette: Why? @#@Blonde: Because the sun is up.
Blonde^All Ages^24^F^Brunette: "Do you see that dead bird?"@#@Blonde: [looks up] "OMG! Where is it?"
Blonde^All Ages^25^F^Brunette: Do you like your new iPad? @#@Blonde: No, I cant use it. @#@Brunette: Why not? @#@Blonde: I couldnt find the buttons.
Blonde^All Ages^26^F^Did you hear about the blondes that froze to death at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Blonde^All Ages^27^F^Four blonds are ordering a few rounds of drinks. Each time they get up, they toast and say, “14 weeks” then they down their drinks. The bartender finally asks the blondes. What’s the deal?  One blonde says, Well, we bought a boxed puzzle. It said ‘two to six years’, and we did it in 14 weeks!
Blonde^All Ages^28^F^How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.
Blonde^All Ages^29^F^How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Too many to count.
Blonde^All Ages^30^T^I knew a blonde that was so stupid she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "Concentrate."
Blonde^All Ages^31^T^Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbor crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the fence and asked, "Whats the matter Mary? What has upset you?" The blonde neighbor replied, "My dog has died and Im going to bury it here." Mr. Brown said, "You only have one dog, so why have you dug three holes?" She answered, "The first two were too small."
Blonde^All Ages^32^F^One blonde was on one side of the river and there was another blonde on the other side of the river. One blonde yells to the other blonde, "How do you get to the other side?" and the other blonde yells back, "You are on the other side!"
Blonde^All Ages^33^F^Q: Did you hear about the new blonde-made Inventions?@#@A: Solar Powered Flashlights, Helicopter Ejection Seats, and the Submarine Screen Door.
Blonde^All Ages^34^F^Q: How are U.F.Os and smart Blondes in common? @#@A: You keep hearing about them but you never see them!
Blonde^All Ages^35^F^Q: How did the blonde die while raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree
Blonde^All Ages^36^F^Q: How did the blonde fisherman die? @#@A: He was run over by the Zamboni.
Blonde^All Ages^37^F^Q: How do you confuse a blonde?@#@A: Give her a box of corn flakes and tell her its a jigsaw puzzle.
Blonde^All Ages^38^F^Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?@#@A: You tell her the food is on the house.
Blonde^All Ages^39^T^Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? @#@A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
Blonde^All Ages^40^T^Q: What are a blondes first words after graduating college? @#@A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Blonde^All Ages^41^F^Q: What do you call 10 blondes in a freezer? @#@A: Frosted Flakes!
Blonde^All Ages^42^F^Q: What do you call a blonde who knows how to read? @#@A: A brunette in a wig.
Blonde^All Ages^43^F^Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? @#@A: Gifted.
Blonde^All Ages^44^F^Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet? @#@A: The 1863 Blonde Hide-and-Seek champion!
Blonde^All Ages^45^F^Q: What do you call three blondes standing in a row?@#@A: A wind tunnel.
Blonde^All Ages^46^F^Q: Why did the blonde pee on the ground? @#@A: Because she saw a sign that said Wet Floor.
Blonde^All Ages^47^F^Q: Why did the blonde return the puzzle? @#@A: It was broken.
Blonde^All Ages^48^F^Q: Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? @#@A: Because they cant even!
Blonde^All Ages^49^F^Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes? @#@A: To remind them Toes Go In First.
Blonde^All Ages^50^F^Q: Why do blondes leave empty beer cans in their refrigerator? @#@A: For their friends that dont drink.
Blonde^All Ages^51^F^Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? @#@A: To keep their ankles warm.
Blonde^All Ages^52^F^Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest breasts in the third grade? @#@A: Because shes 21.
Blonde^All Ages^53^F^Q: Why dont blondes like to make Kool-Aid? @#@A: They cant fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.
Blonde^All Ages^54^F^Q: Why were there 17 blondes standing outside the pub?@#@A: Because the sign said you have to be 18 to enter.
Blonde^All Ages^55^F^Q: Why were there bullet holes in the mirror? @#@A: A blonde tried killing herself.
Blonde^All Ages^56^F^Teacher: "If Astronomy is the name for the study of celestial objects, what would you call a person who studies the stars?" @#@Blonde student: "Paparazzi!"
Blonde^All Ages^57^T^There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to crash so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, its all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".
Blonde^All Ages^58^T^Three blondes were on a hunting trip. Suddenly they came upon some tracks. One blonde says," Theyre deer tracks." The other one said, "Theyre bear tracks." The last one said, "Theyre elephant tracks!" They were still there when they got ran over by the train.
Blonde^All Ages^59^F^Three blonds and a brunette are hanging on the wing of an airplane in flight. The pilot tells them that they are too heavy and one of them has to get off or they will all die. After a minute , the blondes decide that the brunette should get off. Okay, but I want these to be my last words, the brunette replies and begins to sing, if your happy and you know it clap your hands…
Blonde^All Ages^60^T^Three men are all working on building a house. They go up to the roof for lunch, and unwrapped their sandwiches. The Brunette says "if I get one more Tuna sandwich, Im going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The black haired one says "if I get one more pickle and lettuce sandwich, I, too, am going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The blonde looks at his sandwich and also declares, "if I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Im going to jump off this roof and kill myself." The next day, they all get the same sandwiches and kill themselves. That night, their wives all meet up and mourn. "If I had known that my husband was going to kill himself over a sandwich, I wouldnt have given it to him." The brunette cries. "Same," the raven head replies. They both look at the blonde. "Dont look at me, he packed his own lunch!"
Blonde^All Ages^61^F^Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking…which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?  The other blonde turns and says Hellooooooo, can you see Florida…?
Blonde^All Ages^62^F^Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?" They chuckle and reply, " No, we arent even Catholic."
Blonde^All Ages^63^F^Two blondes were trapped in an elevator. One was crying in the corner and the other one was shouting, HELP! HELP!" Then the one crying had an idea, Why dont we shout together? "Okay," said the other blonde. TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"
Blonde^All Ages^64^F^Two blondes were traveling to Disneyland, the sign said "Disneyland left" so they started crying and headed home.
Blonde^All Ages^65^F^Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye," so the second blonde covered up one eye.
Blonde^All Ages^66^F^What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?@#@@#@Pull the pin and throw it back.
Blonde^All Ages^67^F^What happened to the blonde at the soccer stadium? She drowned in the Mexican wave.
Blonde^All Ages^68^F^What’s the difference between a smart blonde and a unicorn?  Nothing, they’re both fictional characters.
Blonde^All Ages^69^F^so a blind man accidentally walks into a womens bar and says to the girl bartender,  you wanna hear a blonde joke?" and the bartender says " well sir the lady next to you is a blonde weight lifter, the two waitresses are both blonde and in a girls wrestling team the other bartender is blonde as well as me are both body builders. Now sir are you sure you wanna tell that joke still?" and the man says "no. not if Im gonna have to explain it five times
Cat^All Ages^493^F^A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. “What are you?” asks the cat.@#@“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans. I kill their plants and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”@#@The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.”
Chicken^All Ages^70^F^What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?@#@A chicken sees a salad.
Chicken^All Ages^71^F^Why did the chicken go to the seance?@#@@#@To get to the other side.
Children^All Ages^481^F^Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences.
Children^All Ages^507^F^I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, “Who folded the moon?”
Children^All Ages^465^F^My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it.@#@@#@“Don’t drink that,” I said. “That water is yucky!”@#@@#@He replied, “Well, it tasted good yesterday.”
Children^All Ages^435^F^My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin.
Children^All Ages^517^F^One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, “Even if you were an only child, you still wouldn’t be Mom and Dad’s favourite.”
Children^All Ages^492^F^The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.@#@“How did you do it?” he asked.@#@“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
Children^All Ages^414^F^There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.@#@@#@First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”@#@@#@“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”@#@@#@Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.@#@@#@“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.@#@@#@The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
Corny^All Ages^472^F^A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.@#@You cheap bum! she yells. This isnt even real.@#@I know, he says. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.@#@
Corny^All Ages^386^F^A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”@#@@#@The man says, “I make a good living.
Corny^All Ages^444^F^A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. “Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet?” asks one. “The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. The walls are so clean you can’t run up them. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers.”@#@“Stop!” cries the second cockroach. “Please, not while I’m eating.”
Corny^All Ages^502^F^A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, “Hi, Ken. Can I join you?”@#@“Why, am I falling apart?” I replied.
Corny^All Ages^515^F^A friend who had just turned 50, and couldn’t quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m not 50! I’m 49.95.”@#@When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, “Yes, but how much with tax?”
Corny^All Ages^436^F^A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo.@#@“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.@#@A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.@#@“Could I have a few words with George?”
Corny^All Ages^449^F^A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning:@#@“Window’s frozen!”@#@His wife texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.”@#@Five minutes later he replies: “Computer completely messed up now.”
Corny^All Ages^495^F^A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”@#@“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.”@#@“Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?”@#@“I’m Batman.”
Corny^All Ages^506^F^A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, “You must have had a lot of husbands!”
Corny^All Ages^469^F^A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. When the waiter brings him the meal, he asks if they are genuine. “Yes,” says the waiter. “If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. Those are the umlauts.”
Corny^All Ages^422^F^A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.@#@@#@“Magic beer,” he says.@#@@#@“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”@#@@#@Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.@#@@#@“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.@#@@#@The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Corny^All Ages^420^F^A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.@#@@#@“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “and the one on the right is where I go to church.”@#@@#@“So what about that hut in the middle?”@#@@#@The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”
Corny^All Ages^443^F^After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. “He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live with you.”@#@To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”
Corny^All Ages^522^F^After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”
Corny^All Ages^504^F^After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake.@#@The person on the other side of the intercom replied, “Pardon me?” so I repeated myself.@#@Then they responded, confused, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’re at Tim Hortons.”
Corny^All Ages^437^F^An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”@#@“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.@#@“Impressive,” says the banker. “And what sort of case was that?”@#@“My father sued me for the money.”
Corny^All Ages^512^F^As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: “My friend and I aren’t able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am.”
Corny^All Ages^513^F^At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements.@#@“So, as you can see,” I said, “I’m doing a lot more than inflating at my desk.”@#@I got the raise.
Corny^All Ages^559^F^Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?@#@@#@It had great food, but no atmosphere.
Corny^All Ages^496^F^Do you ever just lie on the ground and look up at the stars…@#@@#@…After security tackles you on the red carpet?
Corny^All Ages^589^F^George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.@#@@#@Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”@#@@#@DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”@#@@#@McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
Corny^All Ages^503^F^Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas.
Corny^All Ages^445^F^I got an A on my very first university English paper. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. 
Corny^All Ages^72^F^I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
Corny^All Ages^497^F^I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till.@#@“You haven’t been here a while, haven’t you?” I asked.@#@“No,” she said. “That’s my twin sister. She’s been here six months. I started a couple of weeks ago.”@#@“Really?” I said. “Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now.”@#@“Actually,” she replied, “the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, ‘Okay, here you go!’”
Corny^All Ages^521^F^I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.@#@“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.@#@“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
Corny^All Ages^427^F^I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.@#@
Corny^All Ages^448^F^Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. He wasn’t familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queen’s lead and hope for the best. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Jim nervously mimicked her. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. Then she called, “Here, kitty…”
Corny^All Ages^478^F^Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them: “I understand. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.”@#@I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!
Corny^All Ages^460^F^Late one evening, Norm’s doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.@#@The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. “Ah, yes,” the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. “There’s a nasty bug going around.”
Corny^All Ages^474^F^Me: I’m going to go skydiving for my 40th birthday. Should be fun, but it costs $500.@#@My Uncle G: You’re going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane?@#@Me: Yes.@#@Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it?
Corny^All Ages^501^F^My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. One turned to my father and said, “Do y’all put manure on your strawberries?” My dad smiled, then responded, “I don’t know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries.”
Corny^All Ages^462^F^One friend complains to another, “All my husband and I do any more is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”@#@“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asks the other friend.@#@“I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.”
Corny^All Ages^457^F^One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?”@#@The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?”
Corny^All Ages^471^F^Q: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?@#@@#@A: Cookie sheets.
Corny^All Ages^475^F^Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while they’re camping?@#@A: A steeping bag.
Corny^All Ages^451^F^Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut.@#@“Eight dollars,” I answered.@#@“And for a shave?”@#@“Five dollars.”@#@“All right,” he said, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
Corny^All Ages^489^F^Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.@#@“Want to grab a drink?” he asks the centipede, but there’s no answer from the box.@#@A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, “Hey! Do you want to get a drink?”@#@“I heard you the first time!” says a small, irritated voice. “I’m putting on my shoes!”
Corny^All Ages^508^F^The anti-aging ad that I’d like to see…@#@@#@Is a baby covered in cream, saying, “Ah! I’ve used too much!”
Corny^All Ages^446^F^The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”@#@“Yes,” replies the woman.@#@“Did you hit him with the golf club?”@#@“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.@#@“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.@#@“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.”
Corny^All Ages^557^F^There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)
Corny^All Ages^525^F^This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”@#@He shook his head. “Not yet.”
Corny^All Ages^452^F^Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.@#@“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.@#@“How do you think I feel?” asks his companion. “I have to walk back alone.”
Corny^All Ages^424^F^Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”@#@@#@Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”@#@@#@“And yer hand?” asks Morty.@#@@#@“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”@#@@#@“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”@#@@#@“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”@#@@#@“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”@#@@#@“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
Corny^All Ages^388^F^Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note.@#@
Corny^All Ages^615^F^What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?@#@@#@The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Corny^All Ages^73^F^What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?@#@Finding half a worm.
Corny^All Ages^450^F^When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat.@#@Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, “I’m sorry I gave you a jolt—it was my fault.”@#@“No, it was mine,” the driver said. “This is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.”
Corny^All Ages^466^F^While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, “DISARM TODAY!”@#@On the other side, it said, “DAT ARM TOMORROW.” 
Corny^All Ages^470^F^While going through his deceased father’s things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing.@#@“Good news,” he said. “I found them. They’ll be ready next Friday.”
Corny^All Ages^526^F^While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”
Corny^All Ages^467^F^You know, people don’t usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, “Parking fine.” That was very nice of them!
Dad^All Ages^430^F^A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”@#@@#@He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”@#@@#@“No, this is the rink manager!”
Dad^All Ages^417^F^A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.@#@@#@“What’s up?” he says.@#@@#@“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.@#@@#@He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”@#@@#@The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.@#@@#@“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
Dad^All Ages^390^F^A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
Dad^All Ages^367^F^A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”@#@@#@“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”@#@@#@They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dad^All Ages^74^F^Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I dont think theyll fit me.@#@
Dad^All Ages^75^F^Dad, can you put the cat out? I didnt know it was on fire.@#@
Dad^All Ages^76^F^Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!@#@
Dad^All Ages^77^F^Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, Im not going to spread it!@#@
Dad^All Ages^78^F^Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but Ill wrestle you for them.@#@
Dad^All Ages^421^F^Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.@#@@#@Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.@#@@#@That evening, the mans wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and hes in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, Honey, whats for supper?@#@@#@No response.@#@@#@So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, Honey, whats for supper? Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. Honey, whats for supper?@#@@#@For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!@#@
Dad^All Ages^433^F^Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.@#@The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”@#@Son: “Yeah.”@#@Detector: “Beep.“@#@Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”@#@Detector: “Beep.”@#@Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”@#@Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“@#@Detector: “Beep.”@#@Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”@#@Detector: “Beep.”
Dad^All Ages^395^F^For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”@#@@#@After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Dad^All Ages^464^F^Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machine—spring cleaning and all that.@#@“Why are you washing it?” my brother asked, perplexed.@#@“From the next room over, my dad yelled, “She’s money laundering!”
Dad^All Ages^79^F^Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.@#@
Dad^All Ages^80^F^How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.@#@
Dad^All Ages^81^F^How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.@#@
Dad^All Ages^82^F^How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.@#@
Dad^All Ages^83^F^How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.@#@
Dad^All Ages^84^F^How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.@#@
Dad^All Ages^85^F^How does a penguin build its house? @#@Igloos it together.@#@
Dad^All Ages^86^F^How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.@#@
Dad^All Ages^87^F^How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.@#@
Dad^All Ages^88^F^How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.@#@
Dad^All Ages^89^F^How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, its on the house.@#@
Dad^All Ages^90^F^I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner it was just gathering dust!@#@
Dad^All Ages^91^F^I dont play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Im just doing it for kicks!@#@
Dad^All Ages^92^F^I dont trust stairs. Theyre always up to something.@#@
Dad^All Ages^93^F^I dont trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.@#@
Dad^All Ages^94^F^I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.@#@
Dad^All Ages^95^F^I had a neck brace fitted years ago and Ive never looked back since.@#@
Dad^All Ages^96^F^I have a joke about chemistry, but I dont think it will get a reaction.@#@
Dad^All Ages^97^F^I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.@#@
Dad^All Ages^98^F^I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I dont know y.@#@
Dad^All Ages^382^F^I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”@#@@#@“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.
Dad^All Ages^99^F^I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.@#@
Dad^All Ages^403^F^I was browsing in the men’s department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Just then, a saleswoman appeared.@#@@#@“It fits you perfectly,” she said.@#@@#@“Yes,” I said, “but I really don’t need it.”@#@@#@Without missing a beat, she replied, “We don’t sell things that people need.”
Dad^All Ages^100^F^I wouldnt buy anything with velcro. Its a total rip-off.@#@
Dad^All Ages^149^F^If a child refuses to to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Dad^All Ages^103^F^If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?@#@
Dad^All Ages^101^F^Im on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.@#@
Dad^All Ages^102^F^Im so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!@#@
Dad^All Ages^104^F^It takes guts to be an organ donor.@#@
Dad^All Ages^105^F^My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.@#@
Dad^All Ages^371^F^My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.@#@
Dad^All Ages^106^F^My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!@#@
Dad^All Ages^483^F^My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage…@#@@#@I take that as a compliment.
Dad^All Ages^370^F^Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.” 
Dad^All Ages^107^F^Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.@#@
Dad^All Ages^394^F^The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”@#@@#@Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”@#@@#@“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.@#@@#@A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.@#@@#@“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”@#@@#@“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Dad^All Ages^399^F^The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.@#@@#@“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”@#@@#@“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.@#@@#@“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”@#@@#@Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”@#@@#@“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
Dad^All Ages^108^F^This graveyard looks overcrowded. @#@People must be dying to get in.@#@
Dad^All Ages^366^F^Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.@#@@#@“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”@#@@#@The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”@#@@#@There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Dad^All Ages^404^F^Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldn’t get a word in.@#@@#@Finally, after we’d seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.@#@@#@“None,” I replied. “This isn’t my child.”
Dad^All Ages^109^F^What concert costs just 45 cents? @#@50 Cent featuring Nickelback!@#@
Dad^All Ages^150^F^What country’s capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
Dad^All Ages^110^F^What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Wheres Pop Corn?@#@
Dad^All Ages^111^F^What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.@#@
Dad^All Ages^112^F^What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!@#@
Dad^All Ages^113^F^What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.@#@
Dad^All Ages^114^F^What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.@#@
Dad^All Ages^115^F^What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!@#@
Dad^All Ages^116^F^What do you call a poor Santa Claus? @#@St. Nickel-less.@#@
Dad^All Ages^117^F^What do you call cheese that isnt yours? Nacho cheese.@#@
Dad^All Ages^118^F^What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.@#@
Dad^All Ages^119^F^What do you call someone with no body and no nose? @#@Nobody knows.@#@
Dad^All Ages^120^F^What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? @#@Prime mates.@#@
Dad^All Ages^121^F^What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? @#@Yellow!@#@
Dad^All Ages^122^F^What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!@#@
Dad^All Ages^123^F^What does garlic do when it gets hot? @#@It takes its cloves off.@#@
Dad^All Ages^124^F^What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.@#@
Dad^All Ages^125^F^What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!@#@
Dad^All Ages^126^F^What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.@#@
Dad^All Ages^127^F^What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!@#@
Dad^All Ages^128^F^What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.@#@
Dad^All Ages^129^F^Whats a robots favorite snack? Computer chips.@#@
Dad^All Ages^130^F^Whats the best smelling insect? @#@A deodor-ant.@#@
Dad^All Ages^131^F^When does a joke become a dad joke? @#@When it becomes apparent.@#@
Dad^All Ages^132^T^Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.@#@
Dad^All Ages^133^F^Where do boats go when theyre sick? @#@To the boat doc.@#@
Dad^All Ages^134^F^Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.@#@
Dad^All Ages^135^F^Where do you learn to make a banana split? @#@Sundae school.@#@
Dad^All Ages^136^F^Which state has the most streets? @#@Rhode Island.@#@
Dad^All Ages^137^F^Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.@#@
Dad^All Ages^138^F^Why are piggy banks so wise? @#@Theyre filled with common cents.@#@
Dad^All Ages^139^F^Why cant a nose be 12 inches long? @#@Because then it would be a foot.@#@
Dad^All Ages^140^F^Why couldnt the bicycle stand up by itself? @#@It was two tired.@#@
Dad^All Ages^141^F^Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? @#@He kept throwing away the bent ones.@#@
Dad^All Ages^142^F^Why did the math book look so sad? @#@Because of all of its problems!@#@
Dad^All Ages^143^F^Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.@#@
Dad^All Ages^144^F^Why didnt the skeleton climb the mountain? It didnt have the guts.@#@
Dad^All Ages^151^F^Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they got golfing?@#@In case they get a hole in one!
Dad^All Ages^145^F^Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? @#@Because if they flew over the bay, wed call them bagels.@#@
Dad^All Ages^146^F^Why dont eggs tell jokes? @#@Theyd crack each other up.@#@
Dad^All Ages^147^F^Why is Peter Pan always flying? @#@He neverlands.@#@
Dad^All Ages^148^F^You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.@#@
Deadpan^All Ages^154^F^20 Things to do Before You Die...@#@@#@1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout OH MY GOD, IM HIDEOUS!@#@2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say weve been expecting you.@#@3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan with great power, comes great responsibility. Walk away.@#@4) Call someone to tell them you cant talk right now.@#@5) Point at someone and shout Youre one of them! Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.@#@6) Buy a donut and complain that theres a hole in it.@#@7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend its ice cream.@#@8) Put up a Lost Dog poster with a picture of a cat on it.@#@9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, Theyre onto us. We need to go.@#@10) Walk up to a random person and say, Wow! Youve changed, I still have your picture from five years ago. And hold up a picture of potato.@#@11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.@#@12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!@#@13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.@#@14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.@#@15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Dominos.@#@16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.@#@17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say darn my snake got loose again.@#@18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.@#@19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!@#@20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!@#@
Deadpan^All Ages^155^F^A bear walks into a bar and says, Give me a whiskey andcola.@#@Why the big pause? asks the bartender. @#@The bear shrugged. Im not sure; I was born with them.@#@
Deadpan^All Ages^156^F^A guy walks into a coffeeshop.@#@@#@When it’s his turn in line he says, “I’d like a dark roast.” @#@@#@A gothic barista with thick eyeliner, a flaming skull tattoo, and an eyebrow ring looks at him dead in the eye and in a deadpan voice: @#@@#@“Your mother is so severely comatose that not even Evanescence can wake her up inside.”
Deadpan^All Ages^157^F^A man riding on a subway train is minding his own business when...@#@@#@This whale of a woman approaches him and says in a haughty voice "If you were any kind of man youd stand up and let someone else sit down!" @#@"Well madam" replies the man in a deadpan manner "If you were any kind of lady you would stand up and let three people sit down"
Deadpan^All Ages^158^F^A young man decides to move out of the country. He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself. He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and leaves. @#@@#@One week later he calls. @#@@#@“Hi, how are you doing?” He asks. @#@@#@“Fine thank you.” She responds. @#@@#@“How’s the cat?”@#@@#@“Oh, he fell off the roof and died.” She deadpans. @#@@#@The man is extremely irritated, and says “Just like that? After I groomed him, fed him, and took care of him for 6 years? Now I call you and you tell me just like that?” She shrugs.@#@@#@“At least make it slower, one day tell me he is on the roof, the next day tell me he fell off, the next day tell me his is injured, and the day after that that he is dead. Pacing woman!”@#@@#@Sighing deeply, he asks slowly “how is my mother?”@#@@#@“On the roof,” she responds.
Deadpan^All Ages^152^F^I asked my dog whats two minus two. He said nothing.@#@
Deadpan^All Ages^159^F^I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.@#@@#@He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?
Deadpan^All Ages^153^T^I was cleaning some grease of off some car parts this weekend and had a little gasoline in a cup sitting on the floor of the garage. My dog walks in and I hear the sound of the lapping up of water. I quickly realized that my dog was drinking the gasoline! @#@@#@I get up to get the dog and he just takes off like a bat out of hell. He runs around the yard and I just cant catch him. Im about ready to give up from exhaustion when he keels over, like hes dead. I quickly rushed him to the vet.@#@@#@The vet told me it was fine...hed just run out of gas.@#@
Deadpan^All Ages^160^F^I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight.  The people who live above me are furious.
Deadpan^All Ages^161^F^My girlfriends middle name is Lee.@#@@#@The other day we were discussing how we cant distinguish the difference between various English language describing words: verb, noun, pronoun, adjective etc.@#@@#@She turns to me, deadpan, and says "I always remember adverb because I am one".@#@@#@Confused, I look at her and just say "What?"@#@@#@She says, "Im Kaitlyn Lee" (Kaitlyn-ly)
Deadpan^All Ages^162^F^Q. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator? @#@A. Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door. @#@@#@@#@Q. How do you put a tiger in the refrigerator? @#@A. Open the door, take the elephant out, put the tiger in, and close the door. @#@@#@@#@Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? @#@A. It was dead. @#@@#@@#@Q. Why did a second monkey fall out of the tree? @#@A. It was stapled to the first monkey. @#@@#@@#@Q. Why did a third monkey fall out of the tree? @#@A. It was taped to the second monkey. @#@@#@@#@Q. Why did ANOTHER monkey fall out of the tree? @#@A. Peer pressure. @#@@#@@#@Q. What do an apple and an elephant have in common? @#@A. Theyre both red... except for the elephant. (I like to say the first part, then wait a beat before the second part) @#@@#@@#@Q. Whats the difference between an elephant and a plum? @#@A. Their color! @#@@#@@#@Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming through the jungle? @#@A. Look! Here come the elephants! @#@@#@@#@Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming through the jungle? @#@A. Look! Here come the plums. ... Shes colorblind! @#@@#@@#@Q. Theres a big meeting in the jungle and all the animals come, except for one. Which one and why? @#@A. The tiger! You left him in the refrigerator!@#@
Deadpan^Moderate^163^T^Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.@#@@#@So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.@#@@#@Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, notice anything different about me?@#@@#@Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. Nope.@#@@#@Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, notice anything different now?@#@@#@Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, Robert, whats different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again tomorrow.@#@@#@Furious, Robert yelled, and do you know why its hanging down, Margaret?@#@@#@Nope. Not a clue, she replied.@#@@#@Its hanging down, because its looking at my new boots!!!!@#@@#@Without missing a beat Margaret replied, should have bought a hat, Robert! Should have bought a hat.@#@
Deadpan^All Ages^164^F^The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students@#@@#@one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesnt open; and the reserve doesnt open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"@#@@#@The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
Doctor^All Ages^419^F^A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”@#@@#@The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”@#@@#@The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”@#@@#@The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”@#@@#@And the guy says, “Your light was on.”
Doctor^All Ages^488^F^A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.@#@“How are you feeling?” she asks.@#@“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”@#@“What did he say?” the nurse asks.@#@“Oops.”
Doctor^All Ages^528^F^After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”
Doctor^All Ages^415^F^Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”@#@Patient: “What do you mean, 10? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”@#@Doctor: “Nine.”
Doctor^All Ages^523^F^I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.@#@@#@Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?@#@Me: Yes.@#@Nurse: When?@#@Me: 2011.@#@Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?@#@Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?
Doctor^All Ages^630^F^If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?@#@Answer: Keeps everyone away.
Doctor^All Ages^473^F^My wife’s clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldn’t accept 911 as her emergency contact
Doctor^All Ages^524^F^Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.@#@@#@“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.@#@@#@“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.@#@@#@“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”@#@@#@A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”
Doctor^All Ages^631^F^What did my doctor say to do after I stepped on a LEGO?@#@Answer: Just block out the pain
Doctor^All Ages^632^F^What did the doctor say to the man who got sick at the airport?@#@Answer: Its a terminal illness
Doctor^All Ages^633^F^What did the doctor say when the nurse told him the invisible man was there?@#@Answer: Tell him I cant see him.
Doctor^All Ages^634^F^What do you call an Egyptian doctor?@#@Answer: Cairo-practor.
Doctor^All Ages^635^F^Whats the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?@#@Answer: Plastic surgery
Doctor^All Ages^636^F^Where did the duck go when he felt sick?@#@Answer: To his ducktor.
Doctor^All Ages^637^F^Where does a ship go when its not feeling well?@#@Answer: To see the dock-tor.
Doctor^All Ages^638^F^Why did Mickey Mouse go to the doctor?@#@Answer: He was having Disney spells!
Doctor^All Ages^639^F^Why did Sonic go to the doctor?@#@Answer: Because he had the runs.
Doctor^All Ages^640^F^Why did the banana go to the doctor?@#@Answer: Because it wasnt peeling well.
Doctor^All Ages^641^F^Why did the bird go to the doctor?@#@Answer: To get his tweetment.
Doctor^All Ages^642^F^Why did the clown go to the doctor?@#@Answer: He felt a little funny.
Doctor^All Ages^643^F^Why did the computer go to the doctor?@#@Answer: It had a virus.
Doctor^All Ages^644^F^Why did the cookie go to the doctor?@#@Answer: Because he felt crummy.
Doctor^All Ages^645^F^Why did the paintbrush see a doctor?@#@Answer: It had a stroke!
Doctor^All Ages^646^F^Why did the rope go to the doctor?@#@Answer: It had a knot in its stomach.
Doctor^All Ages^647^F^Why did the snowman go to the doctor?@#@Answer: He was feeling chilled!
Dog^All Ages^438^F^A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.@#@“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”@#@“I know,” says the second dog owner.@#@“How do you know?”@#@“My dog told me.”
Dog^All Ages^381^T^A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.@#@@#@“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.@#@@#@“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”@#@@#@The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”@#@@#@The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Dog^All Ages^387^F^A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”@#@@#@“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.@#@@#@“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Dog^All Ages^477^F^A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.@#@“Is that the dog we’re supposed to be aware of?” he asks the owner.@#@“That’s him,” comes the reply.@#@“He doesn’t look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”@#@“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Dog^All Ages^401^F^Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”@#@@#@The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”@#@@#@First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”@#@@#@He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”@#@@#@He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”@#@@#@The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”@#@@#@The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”@#@@#@He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”@#@@#@The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”@#@@#@The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Drunk^All Ages^486^F^Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.@#@“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.@#@“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.@#@“A talking clock? How’s it work?”@#@“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey, you jerk! It’s three in the morning!”
Ironic^All Ages^165^F^Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?@#@There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Ironic^All Ages^440^T^I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.
Ironic^All Ages^434^F^What’s the oddest thing that happens with a hypochondriac support group?@#@@#@Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. 
Ironic^All Ages^514^F^Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Don’t Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory.
Knock Knock^All Ages^167^F^Knock, Knock.@#@Who’s there?@#@Nobel.@#@Nobel who?@#@Nobel…that’s why I knocked.
Knock Knock^All Ages^168^F^Knock, Knock.@#@Who’s there?@#@Tank.@#@Tank who?@#@You’re welcome.
Knock Knock^All Ages^553^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who's there?@#@@#@Cook.@#@@#@Cook who?@#@@#@Yeah, you do sound cuckoo!
Knock Knock^All Ages^550^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who's there?@#@@#@Ears.@#@@#@Ears who?@#@@#@‘Ears another knock knock joke for ya!
Knock Knock^All Ages^549^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who's there?@#@@#@Honeydew.@#@@#@Honeydew who?@#@@#@Honeydew you wanna dance?
Knock Knock^All Ages^551^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who's there?@#@@#@Kanga.@#@@#@Kanga who?@#@@#@Actually, it's kangaroo!
Knock Knock^All Ages^552^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who's there?@#@@#@Luke.@#@@#@Luke who?@#@@#@Luke through the peep hole and find out.
Knock Knock^All Ages^554^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who's there?@#@@#@Mikey.@#@@#@Mikey who?@#@@#@Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?
Knock Knock^All Ages^548^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who's there?@#@@#@Yukon@#@@#@Yukon who?@#@@#@Yukon say that again!
Knock Knock^All Ages^544^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Alec.@#@@#@Alec who?@#@@#@Alectricity. BUZZ!
Knock Knock^All Ages^535^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Alpaca.@#@@#@Alpaca who?@#@@#@Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.
Knock Knock^All Ages^533^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@An interrupting cow@#@@#@An interrupt—@#@@#@MOO!
Knock Knock^All Ages^539^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Anita.@#@@#@Anita who?@#@@#@Anita use the bathroom, please open the door!
Knock Knock^All Ages^532^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Banana. Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Banana. Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Banana. Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Orange.@#@@#@Orange who?@#@@#@Orange you glad I didn’t say ‘Banana?’
Knock Knock^All Ages^530^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Candice.@#@@#@Candice who?@#@@#@Candice joke get any worse?
Knock Knock^All Ages^541^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Canoe.@#@@#@Canoe who?@#@@#@Canoe come out now?
Knock Knock^All Ages^547^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Cash.@#@@#@Cash who?@#@@#@No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.
Knock Knock^All Ages^538^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Dishes.@#@@#@Dishes who?@#@@#@Dishes the police, open up!
Knock Knock^All Ages^543^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Dozen.@#@@#@Dozen who?@#@@#@Dozen anyone want to let me in?
Knock Knock^All Ages^537^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Figs.@#@@#@Figs who?@#@@#@Figs the doorbell, I’ve been knocking forever!
Knock Knock^All Ages^555^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Howl.@#@@#@Howl who?@#@@#@Howl you know unless you open the door?
Knock Knock^All Ages^540^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Ice cream.@#@@#@Ice cream who?@#@@#@ICE CREAM SO YOU CAN HEAR ME!
Knock Knock^All Ages^542^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Needle.@#@@#@Needle who?@#@@#@Needle little help opening the door!
Knock Knock^All Ages^545^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Olive.@#@@#@Olive who?@#@@#@Olive you sooooo much!
Knock Knock^All Ages^531^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Orange.@#@@#@Orange who?@#@@#@Orange you going to let me in?
Knock Knock^All Ages^534^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Theodore.@#@@#@Theodore who?@#@@#@Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked.
Knock Knock^All Ages^546^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@To.@#@@#@To who?@#@@#@No, it’s to whom.
Knock Knock^All Ages^529^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Water.@#@@#@Water who?@#@@#@Water you asking so many questions for, just open up!
Knock Knock^All Ages^536^F^Knock, knock.@#@@#@Who’s there?@#@@#@Weirdo.@#@@#@Weirdo who?@#@@#@Weirdo you think you’re going?
Lawyer^All Ages^620^F^A criminal lawyer tells the defendant, I have some good news and some bad news.@#@@#@Whats the bad news? asks the defendant.@#@@#@The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.@#@@#@Whats the good news?@#@@#@Your cholesterol is 130.
Lawyer^All Ages^617^F^A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. Im too young to die. Im only 55. Fifty-five? says Saint Peter. No, according to our calculations, youre 82. Howd you get that? the lawyer asks.@#@@#@St. Peter replies: We added up your time sheets.
Lawyer^All Ages^621^F^A man phones a lawyer and asks, How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?.@#@@#@The lawyer replies, A thousand dollars.@#@@#@A thousand dollars! exclaims the man. Thats very expensive, isnt it?@#@@#@It certainly is, says the lawyer. Now, whats your third question?
Lawyer^All Ages^622^F^As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn? The nurse answered, Theres a fire across the street, and we didnt want you to think you had died.
Lawyer^All Ages^629^F^From courtroom transcripts @#@@#@Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?@#@@#@A: No.@#@@#@Q: Did you check for blood pressure?@#@@#@A: No.@#@@#@Q: Did you check for breathing?@#@@#@A: No.@#@@#@Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?@#@@#@A: No.@#@@#@Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?@#@@#@A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.@#@@#@Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?@#@@#@A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Lawyer^All Ages^628^F^From courtroom transcripts @#@@#@Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Lawyer^All Ages^627^F^From courtroom transcripts @#@@#@Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?@#@@#@A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?@#@@#@Q: And why did that upset you?@#@@#@A: My name is Susan.@#@
Lawyer^All Ages^626^F^From courtroom transcripts:@#@@#@Q: What is your date of birth?@#@@#@A: July fifteenth.@#@@#@Q: What year?@#@@#@A: Every year.@#@@#@
Lawyer^All Ages^624^F^Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?@#@@#@Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, Im beginning to think I didnt.@#@@#@
Lawyer^All Ages^625^F^Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?@#@@#@A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Lawyer^All Ages^623^F^Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?@#@@#@A: The lawyer charges more.
Lawyer^All Ages^619^F^Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together, when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.
Lawyer^All Ages^447^F^The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness:@#@“What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen?”@#@“He did what any honest man would do,” said the witness.@#@“And what was that?”@#@“It’s just as I thought—you don’t know.”
Lawyer^All Ages^463^F^Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears.@#@“I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. “There’s just one condition. I’m a lawyer’s genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double.”@#@After thinking a moment, the man says, “For my first wish, I would like $10 million.”@#@“Lawyers will get $20 million,” the genie reminds him.@#@“What else do you want?”@#@“I’d love to have a red Porsche,” he says. Instantly, the car appears on the beach.@#@“What’s your last wish?”@#@“Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”
Lawyer^All Ages^616^F^What do you call 500 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?@#@A good start.
Lawyer^All Ages^618^F^Whats the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?@#@@#@A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Observational^All Ages^393^F^Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. @#@
Observational^All Ages^476^F^Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin.
Observational^All Ages^516^F^The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.
Observational^All Ages^166^F^Why do people park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?@#@
Observational^All Ages^505^F^Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them.
One-liner^All Ages^232^F^6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down@#@
One-liner^All Ages^233^F^A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^234^F^A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, Uno, dos and poof! He disappeared without a tres.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^235^F^A blind man walked into a bar and a table and a chair@#@
One-liner^All Ages^236^F^A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
One-liner^All Ages^237^F^A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?
One-liner^All Ages^590^F^A horse walks into a bar.@#@@#@The bartender says, “Hey!”@#@@#@The horse replies, “Sure.”
One-liner^All Ages^580^F^A horse walks into a bar.@#@@#@The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
One-liner^All Ages^238^F^A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
One-liner^All Ages^607^F^A sandwich walks into a bar.@#@@#@The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
One-liner^All Ages^239^F^A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
One-liner^All Ages^384^F^Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven.
One-liner^All Ages^240^F^Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
One-liner^All Ages^241^F^Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
One-liner^All Ages^242^F^Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
One-liner^All Ages^582^F^As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.@#@@#@But hay, it’s in my jeans.
One-liner^All Ages^243^F^Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One-liner^All Ages^244^F^Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
One-liner^All Ages^245^F^Blunt pencils are really pointless.
One-liner^All Ages^246^F^Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
One-liner^All Ages^247^F^Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
One-liner^All Ages^248^F^Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
One-liner^All Ages^576^F^Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?@#@@#@There was nothing left but de Brie.
One-liner^All Ages^249^F^Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
One-liner^All Ages^596^F^Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?@#@@#@The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
One-liner^All Ages^250^F^Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’@#@‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’
One-liner^All Ages^251^F^Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
One-liner^All Ages^487^F^Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes for—they’re all mediums
One-liner^All Ages^252^F^Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
One-liner^All Ages^253^F^Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
One-liner^All Ages^254^F^How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
One-liner^All Ages^562^F^How do you measure a snake?@#@@#@In inches—they don’t have feet.
One-liner^All Ages^593^F^How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?@#@@#@Approximately 1 GB.
One-liner^All Ages^575^F^How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?@#@@#@Because they’re always stuffed.
One-liner^All Ages^396^F^I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. @#@
One-liner^All Ages^255^F^I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
One-liner^All Ages^256^F^I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer
One-liner^All Ages^578^F^I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.@#@@#@I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
One-liner^All Ages^257^F^I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
One-liner^All Ages^258^F^I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
One-liner^All Ages^402^F^I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!@#@
One-liner^All Ages^585^F^I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.@#@@#@But when I got home, the signs were all there.
One-liner^All Ages^259^F^I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
One-liner^All Ages^411^F^I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^260^F^I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
One-liner^All Ages^456^F^I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween…@#@@#@Now he won’t come when I call him.
One-liner^All Ages^479^F^I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.
One-liner^All Ages^561^F^I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.@#@@#@No pun in ten did.
One-liner^All Ages^261^F^I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
One-liner^All Ages^591^F^I googled “Rorshach test.”@#@@#@But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
One-liner^All Ages^262^F^I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
One-liner^All Ages^263^F^I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
One-liner^All Ages^264^F^I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
One-liner^All Ages^265^F^I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
One-liner^All Ages^266^F^I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
One-liner^All Ages^406^F^I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^267^F^I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.
One-liner^All Ages^369^F^I quit my job working for Nike. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
One-liner^All Ages^268^F^I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’
One-liner^All Ages^584^F^I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.@#@@#@Then it dawned on me.
One-liner^All Ages^269^F^I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
One-liner^All Ages^568^F^I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. @#@But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
One-liner^All Ages^594^F^I tried to win a suntanning competition.@#@@#@But all I got was bronze.
One-liner^All Ages^270^F^I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke
One-liner^All Ages^271^F^I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure
One-liner^All Ages^272^F^I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
One-liner^All Ages^273^F^I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around
One-liner^All Ages^274^F^I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
One-liner^All Ages^468^F^I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. 
One-liner^All Ages^275^F^I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
One-liner^All Ages^276^F^I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
One-liner^All Ages^277^F^I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
One-liner^All Ages^480^F^I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
One-liner^All Ages^278^F^If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
One-liner^All Ages^279^F^If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
One-liner^All Ages^280^F^If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
One-liner^All Ages^520^F^If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^418^F^Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. Except at a funeral. @#@
One-liner^All Ages^398^F^Is there rehab for gossiping?@#@@#@I don’t need it, but I’ll tell you who does…
One-liner^All Ages^281^F^It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do
One-liner^All Ages^282^F^It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers
One-liner^All Ages^283^F^I’m afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered.
One-liner^All Ages^284^F^I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
One-liner^All Ages^285^F^I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
One-liner^All Ages^490^F^I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday…@#@@#@I’ll tell you what—never again.
One-liner^All Ages^286^F^Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
One-liner^All Ages^287^F^Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
One-liner^All Ages^288^F^Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
One-liner^All Ages^289^F^Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
One-liner^All Ages^290^F^Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
One-liner^All Ages^291^F^Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
One-liner^All Ages^292^F^My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
One-liner^All Ages^293^F^My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
One-liner^All Ages^294^F^My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
One-liner^All Ages^295^F^My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
One-liner^All Ages^296^F^My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
One-liner^All Ages^600^F^My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.@#@@#@I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
One-liner^All Ages^297^F^My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
One-liner^All Ages^298^F^My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape, that would be a big step forward.
One-liner^All Ages^299^F^My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
One-liner^All Ages^300^F^Never trust atoms; they make up everything
One-liner^All Ages^301^F^One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
One-liner^All Ages^302^F^People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
One-liner^All Ages^303^F^People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
One-liner^All Ages^304^F^Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
One-liner^All Ages^458^F^Q: What’s Edith Piaf’s favourite airline?@#@A: L’avion rose.
One-liner^All Ages^305^F^Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
One-liner^All Ages^306^F^Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
One-liner^All Ages^603^F^Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.@#@@#@You have my Word.
One-liner^All Ages^601^F^Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.@#@@#@I still don’t know how I feel about that
One-liner^All Ages^307^F^The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
One-liner^All Ages^308^F^The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’
One-liner^All Ages^309^F^The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
One-liner^All Ages^310^F^The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.
One-liner^All Ages^311^F^The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
One-liner^All Ages^312^F^The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
One-liner^All Ages^313^F^The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.
One-liner^All Ages^314^F^The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
One-liner^All Ages^315^F^The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
One-liner^All Ages^608^F^The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, Surely, its not going to rain today?And she replied, Yes it is, and dont call me Shirley.@#@@#@That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
One-liner^All Ages^316^F^The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
One-liner^All Ages^317^F^Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
One-liner^All Ages^318^F^Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
One-liner^All Ages^408^F^Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.@#@@#@The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
One-liner^All Ages^319^F^Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
One-liner^All Ages^320^F^Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
One-liner^All Ages^407^F^What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^598^F^What did the tie say to the hat?@#@@#@You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
One-liner^All Ages^558^F^What do dentists call their x-rays?@#@@#@Tooth pics!
One-liner^All Ages^592^F^What do we want?@#@@#@Low-flying airplane noises!@#@@#@When do we want them?@#@@#@Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!
One-liner^All Ages^599^F^What do you call a cow with a twitch?@#@@#@Beef jerky.
One-liner^All Ages^604^F^What do you call a dog with no legs?@#@@#@It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.
One-liner^All Ages^614^F^What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?@#@@#@A roamin’ Catholic.
One-liner^All Ages^595^F^What do you call malware on a Kindle?@#@@#@A bookworm.
One-liner^All Ages^581^F^What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?@#@@#@Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
One-liner^All Ages^564^F^What does a house wear?@#@@#@Address!
One-liner^All Ages^572^F^What gets wetter the more it dries?@#@@#@A towel.
One-liner^All Ages^321^F^What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One-liner^All Ages^574^F^What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?@#@@#@You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
One-liner^All Ages^583^F^What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?@#@@#@The taste, mostly.
One-liner^All Ages^322^F^What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
One-liner^All Ages^432^F^When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^429^F^When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^323^F^When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
One-liner^All Ages^324^F^When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
One-liner^All Ages^611^F^Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?@#@@#@No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.
One-liner^All Ages^613^F^Where do snowmen keep their savings?@#@@#@In the snowbank.
One-liner^All Ages^563^F^Where does a waitress with only one leg work?@#@IHOP.@#@
One-liner^All Ages^577^F^Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?@#@@#@The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
One-liner^All Ages^325^F^Whiteboards are remarkable.
One-liner^All Ages^597^F^Why are crabs so bad at sharing?@#@@#@Because they’re all shellfish.
One-liner^All Ages^610^F^Why are frogs always so happy?@#@@#@They eat whatever bugs them.
One-liner^All Ages^565^F^Why are toilets always so good at poker?@#@@#@They always get a flush
One-liner^All Ages^413^F^Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Literally nothing is rhombus shaped.
One-liner^All Ages^560^F^Why did the bullet end up losing his job?@#@@#@He got fired.
One-liner^All Ages^586^F^Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?@#@@#@He wanted to get a long little doggie.
One-liner^All Ages^609^F^Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?@#@@#@He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
One-liner^All Ages^612^F^Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?@#@@#@Because he had no body to go with.
One-liner^All Ages^380^F^Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
One-liner^All Ages^606^F^Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?@#@@#@Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
One-liner^All Ages^570^F^Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?@#@@#@Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
One-liner^All Ages^566^F^Why is Peter Pan always flying?@#@@#@Because he Neverlands.
One-liner^All Ages^571^F^Why were they called the “dark ages?”@#@@#@Because there were a lot of knights.
One-liner^All Ages^326^F^Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
One-liner^All Ages^602^F^Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
One-liner^All Ages^605^F^You know what they say about cliffhangers…
One-liner^All Ages^569^F^You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
One-liner^All Ages^573^F^You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?@#@@#@Them: Mickey Mouse@#@@#@You: What duck walks on two feet?@#@@#@Them: Donald Duck@#@@#@You: No, all ducks do!
Police^All Ages^725^F^A cop gives a woman a speeding ticket, and she wants to know why he didnt give her a warning first.@#@The officer says, Maam, there are warnings posted up and down this highway. They say, Speed Limit 65.
Police^All Ages^734^F^A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states.@#@Solid, liquid, and gas.
Police^All Ages^723^F^A police officer pulled me over and said, Papers.@#@I said, Scissors. I win! and drove off.@#@I guess he wants a rematch because hes been following me for about 45 minutes.
Police^All Ages^745^F^A state trooper pulled a farmer over on a rural road and said, Sir, do you realize your brother fell out of the car several miles back?@#@To which the farmer replied, Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
Police^All Ages^738^F^A week after my wife went missing, the police told me I should expect the worst-case scenario.@#@So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.
Police^All Ages^736^F^A woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer.@#@The cop asked to see her drivers license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated.@#@What does it look like? the woman asked.@#@The policewoman replied, Its square, and it has your picture on it.@#@The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.@#@Here it is, she said.@#@The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, OK, you can go. I didnt realize you were a cop.
Police^All Ages^705^F^An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.@#@He says to the man, Were going to have to give you a drug test.@#@Without hesitation, the man replies, Cool, which drugs are we testing?
Police^All Ages^713^F^An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.@#@He approaches her and asks, Are you OK?@#@The woman replies, Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?@#@The officer says, Just keep standing there.
Police^All Ages^724^F^An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over.@#@The officer asks the driver, Where are you going at this time of night?@#@The man replies, Im on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and its effects on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.@#@The officer asks, Who would give that kind of lecture at this time of night?@#@The man says, My wife.
Police^All Ages^722^F^An officer stops a man for speeding and notices hes not wearing his required prescription glasses.@#@Officer: I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.@#@Driver: Officer, I have contacts.@#@Officer: I dont care who you know, youre still getting a ticket.
Police^All Ages^740^F^Cop to perp: Did you kill this man?@#@Perp: No, he died of natural causes.@#@Cop: He was shot!@#@Perp: Right  a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. So, he died of natural causes. Sheesh, I thought you were the cop here.
Police^All Ages^741^F^Cop to perp: Where do you live?@#@Perp: With my parents.@#@Cop: Where do your parents live?@#@Perp: With me.@#@Cop: Where do you all live?@#@Perp: Together.@#@Cop: Where is your house?@#@Perp: Next to my neighbors house.@#@Cop: Where is your neighbors house.@#@Perp: If I tell you, would you believe me?@#@Cop: Tell me.@#@Perp: Next to my house.
Police^All Ages^704^F^Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?@#@Driver: Isnt it your job to tell me?
Police^All Ages^706^F^Cop: When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.@#@Driver: Youre wrong, officer. Its only my hat that makes me look that old.
Police^All Ages^719^F^Cop: Where do you think youre going?@#@Driver: Donut shop, officer.@#@Cop: At 80 miles per hour?@#@Driver: I wanted to make sure I beat you there, so there would still be donuts to buy.
Police^All Ages^714^F^Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp?@#@He got a very light sentence.
Police^All Ages^703^F^Did you hear the celery got arrested?@#@They charged him with stalking.
Police^All Ages^710^F^I asked a rookie what he would do if he had to arrest his mother.@#@He said, Id call for backup!
Police^All Ages^742^F^I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me.@#@Funny I dont remember applying for a job there.
Police^All Ages^730^F^I got stopped last night by a police officer.@#@Cop: Im going to follow you to the nearest police station.@#@Me: What for?@#@Cop: Ive forgotten the way.
Police^All Ages^709^F^Judge: I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.@#@Criminal: Thats what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldnt listen.
Police^All Ages^712^F^Man: Can I park here?@#@Cop: No.@#@Man: What about all these other cars?@#@Cop: They didnt ask!
Police^All Ages^727^F^Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?@#@Driver: Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.@#@Officer: There is no traffic. This highway is completely empty.@#@Driver: Thats what Im telling you  Im really far behind.
Police^All Ages^708^F^Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?@#@Me: You were bored and wanted some company?
Police^All Ages^731^F^Officer: How high are you?@#@Driver: No, officer, its Hi, how are you?
Police^All Ages^702^F^Officer: I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?@#@Driver: I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts?
Police^All Ages^707^F^Officer: Why did you park here?@#@Me: The sign says, Fine for parking.
Police^All Ages^717^F^On what show do police officers solve crimes committed by garden gnomes?@#@Lawn & Order.
Police^All Ages^720^F^One fire truck and 20 cops show up to a call. What happened?@#@Dunkin Donuts burnt down.
Police^All Ages^701^F^The perfect crime was committed last night.@#@Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Police^All Ages^737^F^The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper.@#@All I did was rough him up a bit.
Police^All Ages^739^F^The police caught a person erasing peoples criminal records.@#@They said he was a real pro for a first offender.
Police^All Ages^735^F^Theres a man in the town whos stealing the wheels of police cars.@#@The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Police^All Ages^733^F^Tourist: Are you a policeman?@#@Officer: No, I am an undercover detective.@#@Tourist: So, why are you in uniform?@#@Officer: Today is my day off.
Police^All Ages^721^F^What are the four food groups for cops?@#@Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.
Police^All Ages^729^F^What do you call a clairvoyant who escaped from prison?@#@A medium at large.
Police^All Ages^744^F^What do you say when your friend wants to hear a really cool joke about the police from you?@#@You say, Freeze!
Police^All Ages^726^F^What happens when a police officer goes to bed?@#@He becomes an undercover cop.
Police^All Ages^715^F^When caught speeding, an airman on leave tried to talk an officer out of giving him a ticket.@#@He asked, Would it make a difference if I told you Im in the Air Force?@#@The police officer replied, Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane.
Police^All Ages^743^F^Who works in tandem with the grammar police?@#@Corrections officers.
Police^All Ages^716^F^Why are policemen such great volleyball players?@#@They know how to serve and protect.
Police^All Ages^718^F^Why did the NYPD show up at the Mets game?@#@They heard someone was stealing bases.
Police^All Ages^732^F^Why did the police arrest the turkey?@#@They suspected fowl play.
Police^All Ages^711^F^Why did the thief wear blue gloves?@#@He didnt want to be caught red-handed.
Police^All Ages^728^F^Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world?@#@Because he can stop a 10-ton truck by holding up his hand!
Religious^All Ages^439^F^A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.@#@“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”@#@“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”@#@“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”@#@“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
Religious^All Ages^431^F^A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.@#@@#@He says: “Have you been drinking?”@#@@#@“Just water,” says the priest.@#@@#@The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”@#@@#@The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Religious^All Ages^400^F^A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, You make a good point, my son.He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!Father! cries the young monk. Whats wrong?The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, The word is celebrate!@#@
Religious^All Ages^442^F^After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.@#@“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.@#@“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”@#@That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.@#@“What are you doing?”@#@“Counting your ribs.”
Religious^All Ages^426^F^An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”@#@@#@“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”@#@@#@“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”@#@@#@The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”@#@@#@“I’ve never come. This is my first.”@#@@#@“How is this your first confession?”@#@@#@“I’m Jewish.”@#@@#@“Then… why are you telling me all this?”@#@@#@“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”
Religious^All Ages^423^F^Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”@#@@#@Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”@#@@#@It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”@#@@#@“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Religious^All Ages^494^F^Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. “I remember the day I earned my first dollar,” he said.@#@“That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. So I gave him all the money I had. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today.”@#@As he sat down, a woman shouted, “I dare you to do it again.”
Religious^All Ages^556^F^Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”@#@@#@He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”@#@@#@He said, “Yes.”@#@@#@I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”@#@@#@He said, “A Christian.”@#@@#@I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”@#@@#@He said, “Protestant.”@#@@#@I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”@#@@#@He said, “Baptist.”@#@@#@I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”@#@@#@He said, “Northern Baptist.”@#@@#@I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”@#@@#@He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”@#@@#@I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”@#@@#@He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”@#@@#@I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”@#@@#@He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”@#@@#@I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Self-deprecating^All Ages^510^F^I have always been a disappointment. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five.
Self-deprecating^All Ages^509^F^I was mugged twice last year. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? One in 1.
Self-deprecating^All Ages^327^F^I went to the psychiatrist, and he says ‘You’re crazy.’ I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!’
Senior Citizens^All Ages^453^F^A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”@#@“Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the doctor.@#@There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^454^F^An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, “Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^519^F^At the local hospital’s emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, “You’ve been bar-coded!”@#@I, being 72, added, “Long past the best-before date.”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^459^F^Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.@#@“What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^499^F^I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. I said to her, “Everything is so so white Grandma doesn’t even know where the road is.” She innocently replied, “Grandma, it’s under the snow.”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^498^F^I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, “You can come out of the computer now, Grandma!”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^527^F^In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. “Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.@#@@#@My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^461^F^The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.@#@“Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, “she’s there.”
Senior Citizens^All Ages^567^F^The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…@#@@#@Wait, where are we again?
Situational^All Ages^378^F^A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.@#@@#@Hey, how are you doing? he asks.@#@@#@Well! responds the friend. I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. Im doing great! How are you?@#@@#@OK, says the first producer. Ill call you back when youre alone.@#@
Situational^All Ages^405^F^A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!@#@@#@Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop.@#@@#@The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!@#@@#@The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.@#@@#@After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.@#@@#@The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Dont flush, dont flush!@#@
Situational^All Ages^410^F^A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”@#@@#@Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”
Situational^All Ages^484^F^A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. “And how are the American students, Donald?” she asked.@#@“They’re so noisy,” he complained. “One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night.”@#@“How do you put up with it?”@#@“I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.”
Situational^All Ages^389^F^I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Last New Year’s Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadn’t come, so I figured I’d likely missed it.@#@@#@I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, “Sir, how long have you been waiting?”@#@@#@He looked at his watch and said, “Since last year.”
Situational^All Ages^383^T^In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.@#@@#@God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”@#@@#@With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.@#@@#@“That’s true,” says God.@#@@#@“So what happened?” she asks.@#@@#@God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.
Situational^All Ages^385^F^My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! is saying “I should be on Jeopardy!” every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests.
Situational^All Ages^485^F^Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.@#@“George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group.@#@George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night.
Situational^All Ages^391^F^The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast.@#@
Slapstick^All Ages^428^F^A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”@#@@#@Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! He never had a chance!”@#@@#@The man says, “I don’t know about that. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”
Slapstick^All Ages^372^F^Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have?@#@Student: A drinking problem.
Teacher^All Ages^700^F^Student: Would you punish me for something I did not do?@#@@#@Teacher: Of course I would not do that.@#@@#@Student: Great, because I did not do my homework.
Teacher^All Ages^690^F^Teacher: Jimmy, do you have a question?@#@@#@Jimmy: No noI am just holding up my hand waiting for someone to give ma high-five!@#@@#@
Teacher^All Ages^694^F^Teacher: Jimmy, you know you cant sleep in my class.@#@@#@Student: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
Teacher^All Ages^698^F^Teacher: Who is the King of the classroom?@#@@#@The ruler.
Teacher^All Ages^699^F^Teacher: Why have you got cotton in your ears? Do you have an infection?@#@@#@Student: Well, you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other, so I am trying to keep them all in.
Teacher^All Ages^697^F^Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didnt you?@#@@#@Student: To be honest, not really.
Teacher^All Ages^691^F^What are ten things a teacher can always count on?@#@@#@Their fingers.
Teacher^All Ages^695^F^What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?@#@@#@Keep trying until you get a reaction.
Teacher^All Ages^693^F^What is the difference between a Teacher and a Train?@#@@#@The teacher says Spit your gum out and the train says, Chew, chew!
Teacher^All Ages^696^F^Why do magicians do so well in school?@#@@#@They are so good at the trick questions!
Teacher^All Ages^692^F^Why does the teacher always wear sunglasses?@#@@#@Because his class is so bright.
Waiter^All Ages^658^F^At our local pizza restaurant you can eat dirt cheap  though who wants to eat dirt?
Waiter^All Ages^673^F^Excuse me, waiter, This food tastes kind of funny.@#@@#@Then why arent you laughing?
Waiter^All Ages^660^F^Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger? No, but in the restaurant down the road, I once saw a man eating chicken.
Waiter^All Ages^661^F^Hello? Pauls Restaurant. Good evening! Could you tell me, do you serve lobsters? We serve anyone, come on in.
Waiter^All Ages^678^F^How did you find your steak, Sir?@#@@#@Oh, I just moved the carrots and there it was.
Waiter^All Ages^651^F^How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare.
Waiter^All Ages^668^F^I had a slice of an excellent German Christmas cake in the local cafe, but cant find it now. Its stollen.
Waiter^All Ages^670^F^I just tried to use the WiFi in my local cafe and just got lots on photos of beef stew on my laptop. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot.
Waiter^All Ages^659^F^I just went to a new restaurant in town that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered french toast during the medieval ages.
Waiter^All Ages^662^F^I noticed some of the staff in my local restaurant were getting carried away in a heated discussion about how long to leave the bag in a cup of tea. The waiter said it had been brewing for ages.
Waiter^All Ages^666^F^I went to a restaurant that made the worlds biggest pizza base. I would really love to see someone top that.
Waiter^All Ages^663^F^Is your food very spicy Sir? No, smoke usually comes out of my ears.
Waiter^All Ages^669^F^Not sure about our new village cafe. It fills me with uncertain tea.
Waiter^All Ages^664^F^There was a terrible fight at the seafood restaurant. Three fish got battered.
Waiter^All Ages^677^F^Waiter, I really cant eat this soup! Why not Sir?@#@@#@You havent given me a spoon.
Waiter^All Ages^679^F^Waiter, have you got frogs legs?@#@@#@Of course, Sir.@#@@#@Then hop over to the kitchen and bring me a burger!
Waiter^All Ages^680^F^Waiter, how long will my sausages be?@#@@#@Oh, about four inches if youre lucky.
Waiter^All Ages^674^F^Waiter, that cats just run off with my roast beef!@#@@#@Yes, its very popular, Sir.
Waiter^All Ages^688^F^Waiter, waiter this foods not fit for a pig.@#@@#@Sorry Sir, Ill go and get you some that is.@#@@#@
Waiter^All Ages^686^F^Waiter, waiter! I cant eat this chicken. Please call the Manager.@#@@#@I am sorry Sir; he cant eat it either.
Waiter^All Ages^689^F^Waiter, waiter! Theres a fly in my soup!@#@@#@Dont worry Sir, the frog will surface in a moment.
Waiter^All Ages^684^F^Waiter, waiter! Theres no chicken in the chicken soup!@#@@#@Thats alright, Sir. Theres no horse in the horseradish either.
Waiter^All Ages^675^F^Waiter, waiter, look theres a dead beetle in my soup.@#@@#@Yes, Sir, theyre not very good swimmers.
Waiter^All Ages^676^F^Waiter, waiter, theres a fly in my butter?@#@@#@Yes, thats a butterfly.
Waiter^All Ages^682^F^Waiter, waiter, theres a small twig in my soup.@#@@#@Hold on, Sir, let me get the branch manager.
Waiter^All Ages^687^F^Waiter, waiter, theres lots of dead flies in this soup.@#@@#@Yes Sir, its the boiling hot water that kills them.
Waiter^All Ages^683^F^Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes just like mud.@#@@#@Im not surprised Sir, it was ground this morning.
Waiter^All Ages^681^F^Waiter, waiter, what is this bug doing on my shoulder!@#@@#@I am not sure  friendly thing isnt he!
Waiter^All Ages^672^F^Waiter, waiter, whats wrong with this egg?@#@@#@I dont know Sir, I only laid the table.
Waiter^All Ages^685^F^Waiter, waiter, will the pancakes be long?@#@@#@No sir, round
Waiter^All Ages^649^F^What did Luke Skywalker say to the diners at his new restaurant? May the forks be with you.
Waiter^All Ages^657^F^What did the big plate say to the small plate? Lunch is on me.
Waiter^All Ages^652^F^What do people often say in a freezing cold, Mexican kitchen? Brrrrrrito.
Waiter^All Ages^654^F^What do polar bears eat for lunch? Ice berg-ers.
Waiter^All Ages^648^F^What do skeletons like to order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Waiter^All Ages^650^F^What do you call a fancy restaurant that specialises in pork? Swine dining.
Waiter^All Ages^665^F^What kind of side vegetables would you like with your dinner tonight? Beets me.
Waiter^All Ages^656^F^Whats worse than discovering a worm in your pizza? Finding half of a worm in your pizza.
Waiter^All Ages^667^F^When I order food, I always confuse chutney and pickle. It makes me chuckle.
Waiter^All Ages^671^F^Where do birds go for coffee? Nest Cafe
Waiter^All Ages^653^F^Where does a tired, angry person go out to eat? The rest-and-rant.
Waiter^All Ages^655^F^Which vegetable should never be served on a boat? Leeks.
Wordplay^All Ages^345^F^A dyslexic man@#@walks into a bra.
Wordplay^All Ages^368^F^A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.@#@@#@The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”@#@@#@“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!”
Wordplay^All Ages^342^F^A man and a giraffe@#@walk into a bar.@#@After a few drinks, the giraffe falls@#@over and dies. The man begins@#@to walk out when the bartender@#@stops him.@#@"Hey, you can't leave that lyin@#@there!" The bartender yells out.@#@The man turns around:@#@"It's not a@#@lion. It's a giraffe!”
Wordplay^All Ages^379^F^A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I don’t know, love you and talk to you later.” The mom replies, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister. Love you too.”
Wordplay^All Ages^425^F^A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%~#~& pancakes.”@#@@#@The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”@#@@#@The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%~#~& pancakes!”
Wordplay^All Ages^377^F^A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”@#@@#@I said, “People who sell veggies are grocer.
Wordplay^All Ages^170^F^A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”@#@“Don’t worry,” said the Doc. Those are just contractions.
Wordplay^All Ages^373^F^Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Im having a going-out-of-fitness sale.@#@
Wordplay^All Ages^416^F^As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”@#@@#@“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”
Wordplay^All Ages^171^F^Can February march?@#@No, but April may.
Wordplay^All Ages^333^F^Did you hear about@#@the fire in the shoe@#@factory?@#@10,000 soles were lost.@#@The police said some@#@heels started it.
Wordplay^All Ages^331^F^Did you hear about the@#@Italian chef who died?@#@He pasta-way.
Wordplay^All Ages^172^F^Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?@#@He just needed a little space.
Wordplay^All Ages^173^F^Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?@#@It’s ok.  He woke up.
Wordplay^All Ages^174^F^Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?@#@They each got six months.
Wordplay^All Ages^354^F^Did you know the@#@first French fries@#@weren't actually@#@cooked in France?@#@They were cooked in@#@Greece.
Wordplay^All Ages^397^F^During the pandemic, my two granddaughters—six and eight years old—were being home-schooled by their mom. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. “Spell ‘elephant,'” the older one said.@#@@#@“Let her spell small animals, not big ones,” said her mom.@#@@#@The older sister paused, then said, “Spell ‘mosquito.'”
Wordplay^All Ages^175^F^How do trees get online?@#@They just log in!
Wordplay^All Ages^176^F^How do you count cows?@#@With a cow-culator.
Wordplay^All Ages^177^F^How do you drown a hipster?@#@Throw him in the mainstream.
Wordplay^All Ages^178^F^How do you make a tissue dance?@#@Put a little boogie in it.
Wordplay^All Ages^179^F^How do you throw a space party?@#@You planet.
Wordplay^All Ages^180^F^How does a rabbi make his coffee?@#@Hebrews it.
Wordplay^All Ages^181^F^I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.@#@I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Wordplay^All Ages^182^F^I have a fear of speed bumps.@#@But, I am slowly getting over it.
Wordplay^All Ages^336^F^I like elephants.@#@Everything else@#@is irrelephant.
Wordplay^All Ages^358^F^I made a playlist for@#@hiking. It has music@#@from Peanuts,@#@the Cranberries,@#@and@#@Eminem.@#@I call it my trail mix.
Wordplay^All Ages^183^F^I poured root beer in a square glass.@#@Now I just have beer.
Wordplay^All Ages^184^F^I told my wife she was drawing here eyebrows too high.@#@She looked at me surprised.
Wordplay^All Ages^375^F^I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
Wordplay^All Ages^185^F^I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.@#@I lost my case.
Wordplay^All Ages^169^F^I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.@#@
Wordplay^All Ages^511^F^I went to the butcher’s the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. “No,” he responded. “The steaks are too high.
Wordplay^All Ages^361^F^I wrote a song@#@about a tortilla.@#@Actually, it's@#@more of a wrap.
Wordplay^All Ages^376^F^If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that ‘all sales are vinyl
Wordplay^All Ages^328^T^If you're American@#@when you go in the@#@bathroom and@#@American when you@#@come out, what are@#@you in the bathroom?@#@European.
Wordplay^All Ages^348^F^My new thesaurus@#@is terrible.@#@Not only that, but@#@it's also terrible.
Wordplay^All Ages^491^F^Q: What do you call twin police officers?@#@A: Copies.
Wordplay^All Ages^186^F^Rest In Peace to boiling water.@#@You will be mist.
Wordplay^All Ages^187^F^Talk is cheap?@#@Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
Wordplay^All Ages^360^F^That's a pretty@#@good ceiling.@#@It's not the best,@#@but it's up there!
Wordplay^All Ages^365^F^The only thing flat@#@earthers have to fear..@#@.is sphere itself.
Wordplay^All Ages^412^F^The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”@#@@#@The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Wordplay^All Ages^343^F^The wedding@#@was so beautiful.@#@Even the cake@#@was in tiers.
Wordplay^All Ages^330^F^There are three@#@types of people in@#@the world:@#@Those who can@#@count and those@#@who can'@#@"'t.
Wordplay^All Ages^500^F^There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: “Dental office parking only. Violators will be extracted.”
Wordplay^All Ages^188^F^Two artists had an art contest.@#@It ended in a draw.
Wordplay^All Ages^338^F^Two guys walk@#@into a bar.@#@The third guy ducks.
Wordplay^All Ages^332^F^Two muffins were@#@sitting in an oven.@#@One turned to the other@#@and said,@#@"WoW,@#@it's pretty hot in here.@#@The other one shouted@#@"Wow, a talking muffin!"
Wordplay^All Ages^335^F^Two windmills@#@are standing on@#@a wind farm.@#@One asks,@#@"What's your favorite@#@type of music?"@#@The other says,@#@"I'm a big metal fan.”
Wordplay^All Ages^357^F^Wanna hear two short@#@jokes and a long joke?@#@Joke, joke,@#@j000000000oooooke.
Wordplay^All Ages^189^F^Want to hear a construction joke?@#@Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Wordplay^All Ages^190^F^What did one hat say to the other?@#@You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
Wordplay^All Ages^191^F^What did one traffic light say to the other?@#@Stop looking! I’m changing!
Wordplay^All Ages^192^F^What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by. Steamroller?@#@“Curses! Foil again!”
Wordplay^All Ages^193^F^What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?@#@Thanks — I’ll never part with it!
Wordplay^All Ages^194^F^What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?@#@Bison.
Wordplay^All Ages^195^F^What did the left eye say to the right eye?@#@Between you and me, something smells.
Wordplay^All Ages^196^F^What did the pirate say when he turned 80?@#@Aye matey.
Wordplay^All Ages^197^F^What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?@#@This tastes a little funny.
Wordplay^All Ages^353^F^What do you@#@call a man who@#@can't stand?@#@Neil.
Wordplay^All Ages^355^F^What do you call@#@a Frenchman@#@in sandals?@#@Phillipe Floppe.
Wordplay^All Ages^329^F^What do you call@#@a can opener that@#@doesn't work?@#@A can't opener!
Wordplay^All Ages^346^F^What do you call a@#@fly with no wings?@#@A walk.
Wordplay^All Ages^349^F^What do you call a@#@man with no arms@#@and no legs in a pool?@#@Bob.
Wordplay^All Ages^350^F^What do you call a@#@psychic little person@#@who has escaped@#@from prison?@#@A small medium@#@atlarge.
Wordplay^All Ages^198^F^What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?@#@A stick.
Wordplay^All Ages^199^F^What do you call a fake noodle?@#@An impasta!
Wordplay^All Ages^200^F^What do you call a magic dog?@#@A labracadabrador.
Wordplay^All Ages^201^F^What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?@#@A receding hare-line
Wordplay^All Ages^202^F^What do you call a pony with a cough?@#@A little horse.
Wordplay^All Ages^203^F^What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?@#@A chew-chew train.
Wordplay^All Ages^204^F^What do you call a woman with one leg?@#@Eileen.
Wordplay^All Ages^340^F^What do you call an@#@alligator in a vest?@#@An in-vest-igator.
Wordplay^All Ages^359^F^What do you do if@#@you see a fireman?@#@Put it out, man!
Wordplay^All Ages^205^F^What do you get from a pampered cow?@#@Spoiled milk.
Wordplay^All Ages^206^F^What is the difference between a cat and a comma?@#@A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Wordplay^All Ages^341^F^What kind of@#@tea is hard to@#@swallow?@#@Reality.
Wordplay^All Ages^362^F^What kind of shorts@#@do clouds wear?@#@Thunderwear.
Wordplay^All Ages^207^F^What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?@#@A nervous wreck.
Wordplay^All Ages^208^F^What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?@#@An envelope.
Wordplay^All Ages^209^F^What type of sandals do frogs wear?@#@Open-toad.
Wordplay^All Ages^347^F^What's green@#@and has wheels?@#@Grass. I lied about@#@the@#@wheels.
Wordplay^All Ages^337^T^What's red@#@and bad for@#@your teeth?@#@A brick.
Wordplay^All Ages^363^F^What's the difference@#@between a hippo@#@and a Zippo?@#@One is really heavy,@#@and the other is@#@a little lighter.
Wordplay^All Ages^334^F^What's the difference@#@between a rabbit@#@and a plum?@#@They're both purple@#@except for the rabbit.
Wordplay^All Ages^352^F^What's the dumbest@#@animal in the jungle?@#@A polar bear.
Wordplay^All Ages^351^F^What's the most@#@terrifying word in@#@nuclear physics?@#@"Oops!"
Wordplay^All Ages^210^F^What’s Forest Gump’s password?@#@1Forest1
Wordplay^All Ages^211^F^What’s the best thing about Switzerland?@#@I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Wordplay^All Ages^579^F^What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?@#@@#@Attire.
Wordplay^All Ages^212^F^Where are average things manufactured?@#@The satisfactory.
Wordplay^All Ages^213^F^Where do you find a cow with no legs?@#@Right where you left it.
Wordplay^All Ages^518^F^While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge.
Wordplay^All Ages^214^F^Why are ghosts such bad liars?@#@Because they are so easy to see through.
Wordplay^All Ages^215^F^Why are skeletons so calm?@#@Because nothing gets under their skin.
Wordplay^All Ages^216^F^Why aren’t Koalas actual bears?@#@They don’t meet the koalafications..
Wordplay^All Ages^217^F^Why can’t male ants sink?@#@They’re buoy-ant.
Wordplay^All Ages^218^F^Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?@#@They always take things literally.
Wordplay^All Ages^219^F^Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?@#@Because the “P” is silent.
Wordplay^All Ages^220^F^Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?@#@All of the fans left.
Wordplay^All Ages^221^F^Why did the M&M go to school?@#@It wanted to be a Smartie.
Wordplay^All Ages^222^F^Why did the Oreo go the the dentist?@#@Because he lost his filling.
Wordplay^All Ages^223^F^Why did the frog take the bus to work today?@#@His car got toad away.
Wordplay^All Ages^224^F^Why did the gym close down?@#@It just didn’t work out.
Wordplay^All Ages^225^F^Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?@#@It needed help figuring out its problems.
Wordplay^All Ages^226^F^Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?@#@In case she needed to draw blood.
Wordplay^All Ages^227^F^Why do bees have sticky hair?@#@Because they use honeycombs.
Wordplay^All Ages^364^F^Why do you never see@#@pigs hiding in trees?@#@Because they're pretty@#@good at it.
Wordplay^All Ages^339^F^Why does@#@Snoop Dogg use@#@an umbrella?@#@For drizzle.
Wordplay^All Ages^228^F^Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?@#@Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Wordplay^All Ages^344^F^Why don't@#@dinosaurs talk?@#@Because@#@they're dead.
Wordplay^All Ages^229^F^Why don’t scientists trust atoms?@#@Because they make up everything.
Wordplay^All Ages^230^F^Why is England the wettest country?@#@Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
Wordplay^All Ages^231^F^Why was six afraid of seven?@#@Because seven ate nine!
Wordplay^All Ages^356^F^eBay is so useless.@#@I tried to look up@#@lighters and@#@all they had was@#@13.749 matches.@#@

[CATEGORY]
Anecdotal
Animal
Blonde
Cat
Character
Chicken
Children
Corny
Dad
Deadpan
Doctor
Dog
Drunk
Farcical
Ironic
Knock Knock
Lawyer
Observational
One-liner
Parody
Police
Religious
Self-deprecating
Senior Citizens
Situational
Slapstick
Teacher
Waiter
Wordplay

[RATING]
Adult
Adult+
All Ages
Children
Mild
Mild+
Moderate
Teenagers
